twenty-two and not a clue

it's been a year... a lot has changed, i have changed... so here's a little "commemorative" piece

as of april 2020, i would have spent a whole year as a working adult. i've officially become one of "them." it's almost as if this was the exact moment i stopped growing up. i've grown up; i'm a grown up now. as cliché as it sounds, the reality of being a grown up wasn't quite what i expected... because, during this past year, i realised a few things:

number 1. i never knew anything

when i first started out, i obviously didn't know a lot but i certainly felt like i knew enough about the industry, about how to behave, and what to expect. however, i spent the majority of my first year in the working world relearning some of the most basic things like reading, writing, and thinking

i thought i always had to be ready with solutions but instead, they asked me to come with questions

i thought everyday would present new opportunities for me to learn new things but instead, i was stuck in a loop of fixing the same problems over and over again

i thought there was a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things but instead, i discovered it didn't matter because people were only interested in what worked

none of the above are wrong or bad, but because it wasn't what i expected, i struggled to find my place, to be productive, and to contribute... until i realised i was in my own way

maybe being a grown up is choosing to set aside these expectations and to focus on taking things as they come

number 2. i (probably) won't know everything

a year ago, i embarked on my journey into the world of "social media marketing." since then, i've worked with two different companies, handled multiple clients across various industries, wrote briefs, pitched pitches, and spent countless hours working overtime. so technically, yes, i know much more now than i did when i first started out

but at the end of every working day, i found myself wondering, what the hell just happened? it's gone in a blur and i barely had the time to register what was going on. that scared me because i thought i could always be on top of things, that i would have most things figured out by now

it was foolish to think that i could know it all in a year... and now i'm wondering if it's equally silly to think that one day, i would know it all

maybe being a grown up is knowing that there will be things i'll never know and being okay with it

number 3. i know enough

ever since i was a child, i've yearned to hear these words:

you're talented

you're bright

you're brilliant

but, for twenty-two years of my life, i've never heard them. instead, people told me:

you're capable

you're sensible

you're hard-working

i wanted so badly to be special, to be the brains behind great ideas and impressive projects. but a year in the working world proved that this wasn't the case for me. and i've learned to be okay with it. for what i lacked in innate creativity, i will make up for in diligence and perseverance. if i have to work twice as hard for thrice as long to get there, then so be it. i've chosen to be in this industry; i'm willing to work because i'm here to learn. slowly but surely, i will get there (wherever i'm meant to be)

maybe being a grown up takes a whole lot more of a conscious effort than you ever thought it would

so yes, i'm twenty-two and have no clue what i'm doing. but that's ok. i'll be fine, just as long as i spend everyday trying to figure it out

hello, my name is...

"hello, my name is natasha. i'm a twenty-one-year-old fresh graduate with a general bachelor's degree and no idea what's next"

it's been a few weeks since my birthday and it's finally hit me -- the fact that i'm twenty-one, no longer twenty or turning twenty-one. instead of feeing pumped, optimistic, and on top of the world like i thought i would, i'm struck by a sense of loss. i've let all those years slip by me and what do i have to show for it? am i wiser? more mature? have i found my direction in life? what is my calling? what are my true passions?

but as i look back, i realised... maybe that's why i've had such a fulfilling childhood. i didn't care, i didn't want to care. my mother would bug me about university courses and entrance exams, my father would constantly "wonder" what my future plans were, everyone would ask what i wanted to do when i grew up...

each time, i would laugh and confidently reply, "i don't know!"

i had all the time in the world, i thought; my years seemed to stretch endlessly before of me. i did want i wanted and when i was done, i'd simply walk away. life was all about how i felt, more specifically, how i felt now. playing the piano was fun until it wasn't. ballet was great until i got bored. writing and drawing became just ways to pass my time. i did so many things so aimlessly. that's how i feel looking back now but maybe, i was simply living life, exploring what it had to offer, and learning what i could do

but time waits for no man... i need to realise that that was a privilege, a package that came with being a child. i'm grown up now, there are duties, roles, responsibilities, and expectations to fulfill. no point whining about the could have's and should have's. am i terrified, stressed, and overwhelmed? yes, but that's okay. it's all part of growing up

and i haven't strolled through twenty-one years of life with nothing to show for it. i've built bulletproof relationships with each of my family members. i've met amazing people who still, to this very day, inspire me to keep on keeping on, who continuously remind me that i'm enough, and who will always have my back. i've explored a little corner of the world that was my childhood and now it's time to take that leap of faith, spread my wings, and fly. i think i know what i want in life, and that's good enough...

i understand this may not be an issue everyone struggles with but these are my honest thoughts on crossing the final hurdle into adulthood. i guess this is also a first-world problem of sorts. i've got an amazing support system and i'm living comfortably with literally 100% financial stability but the pressure to be in control and successful can get a little bit much sometimes, y'know?

so many thoughts and yet, there is a little spark of hope in me. i will be okay. the world is big but i know who's bigger

just changes or new beginnings?

hey hey

it's been a while since i've been on here... it feels weirdly nostalgic :)

okay so, it's been a time of a lot of revamps and changes lately: growing to love things i used to dislike, moving on from old things, transitioning from full-time school to full-time work, completely decluttering my room, and filling up the wardrobe with clothes that i actually like...

life is great, life is fun, and life is scary

i want to do so many things: i want to perform, i want to write, i want to direct/produce something, i want to learn new skills, i want to figure out what i am truly good at, i want to find my calling, but these things just mash together in my head and fizzes out

at the end of the day, i'm left behind by my own thoughts, feeling a strange sense of urgency building up in my chest... is it too late? did i miss my big break? but am i ready? is this even what i want?

i guess the question is: do i want it or do i just want to want it? like are these things just little accomplishments that will add to the whole that is my life or am i going to give it my 100% and make something out of it? must i decided?

that wasn't a very good summing up of things but it'll have to do

for now...