twenty-two and not a clue

it's been a year... a lot has changed, i have changed... so here's a little "commemorative" piece

as of april 2020, i would have spent a whole year as a working adult. i've officially become one of "them." it's almost as if this was the exact moment i stopped growing up. i've grown up; i'm a grown up now. as cliché as it sounds, the reality of being a grown up wasn't quite what i expected... because, during this past year, i realised a few things:

number 1. i never knew anything

when i first started out, i obviously didn't know a lot but i certainly felt like i knew enough about the industry, about how to behave, and what to expect. however, i spent the majority of my first year in the working world relearning some of the most basic things like reading, writing, and thinking

i thought i always had to be ready with solutions but instead, they asked me to come with questions

i thought everyday would present new opportunities for me to learn new things but instead, i was stuck in a loop of fixing the same problems over and over again

i thought there was a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things but instead, i discovered it didn't matter because people were only interested in what worked

none of the above are wrong or bad, but because it wasn't what i expected, i struggled to find my place, to be productive, and to contribute... until i realised i was in my own way

maybe being a grown up is choosing to set aside these expectations and to focus on taking things as they come

number 2. i (probably) won't know everything

a year ago, i embarked on my journey into the world of "social media marketing." since then, i've worked with two different companies, handled multiple clients across various industries, wrote briefs, pitched pitches, and spent countless hours working overtime. so technically, yes, i know much more now than i did when i first started out

but at the end of every working day, i found myself wondering, what the hell just happened? it's gone in a blur and i barely had the time to register what was going on. that scared me because i thought i could always be on top of things, that i would have most things figured out by now

it was foolish to think that i could know it all in a year... and now i'm wondering if it's equally silly to think that one day, i would know it all

maybe being a grown up is knowing that there will be things i'll never know and being okay with it

number 3. i know enough

ever since i was a child, i've yearned to hear these words:

you're talented

you're bright

you're brilliant

but, for twenty-two years of my life, i've never heard them. instead, people told me:

you're capable

you're sensible

you're hard-working

i wanted so badly to be special, to be the brains behind great ideas and impressive projects. but a year in the working world proved that this wasn't the case for me. and i've learned to be okay with it. for what i lacked in innate creativity, i will make up for in diligence and perseverance. if i have to work twice as hard for thrice as long to get there, then so be it. i've chosen to be in this industry; i'm willing to work because i'm here to learn. slowly but surely, i will get there (wherever i'm meant to be)

maybe being a grown up takes a whole lot more of a conscious effort than you ever thought it would

so yes, i'm twenty-two and have no clue what i'm doing. but that's ok. i'll be fine, just as long as i spend everyday trying to figure it out

How to Tell if Your Crush Likes You

First published in The Homeschool Gazette on 14 Jan 2020

You feel that familiar flutter in your stomach as your heart begins to thump loudly and a strange heat spreads across your face. Immediately, you wrack your brains, trying to recall the advice you've frantically Googled a thousand times before. Should I say hi? How do I say hi? Wait, which side is my good side again??

Okay, not everyone may have this experience but, allow me to take this generalization - you know when you have a crush, when you've found your "heart's desire," your "kindred spirit," your "soulmate," whatever... but the real question is - how do you know if s/he likes you?

When you have a crush, one of the most common things to do (and everyone with decent internet access has done, don't lie) is Google "how to know if your crush likes you back." There are tons and tons of advice and articles online sharing the little tips and tricks on how to recognize attraction when you see it. They highlight the little behavioural quirks to take note of and attempt to break down the science of human attraction in less than 500 words:

1. They send you texts with cute emojis - Ooooo, s/he sent a blushing smiley emoji instead of the regular smiley! S/he must like me!

2. They reply your messages quickly -It's been 20 mins since my last text, s/he hates me...

3. They interact with you often on social media - S/he's shared three memes with me today! I must be so special!

4. Blah

5. BLAH

6. B L A H

You put yourself through so much, scrutinizing their every move and trying to peer into their heads (like a huge creep). Well, you can stop it now, because I have the answer.


How to tell if your crush likes you back?

If they like you, you'll know; if they don't, you'll be confused.


That's it - it's that simple. Stop wasting time stressing, wondering, pouring over texts messages, an drowning yourself n "mixed signals." When I first came across this piece of advice (from the internet, lol finally something good from there), I was honestly a little mind blown at how straightforward it is. No need to mope and sigh, no need to crack my head. That's just the truth of the matter.

Now, you might try to tell yourself, "they're busy" or "they're shy" or "they're intimated." At this point, you're just making excuses for them. Nope, if you're upfront and honest with who you are and they don't seem to be taking any special interest in you then... chances are, they're not that into you.

So, MOVE ON!

Take the time and effort that you would have spent on them to do something else - work on yourself, start a new hobby, hang out with people who you know for sure like you for you. And yes, I get it's not easy to just "up and leave" and yes, it may string a little like rejection. But hey, it makes so much more sense to focus on yourself in this season if your life than to pick the hypothetical petals of your hypothetical flower, wondering if your hypothetical girl/boyfriend "loves you or loves you not."

the collection: pt. i

tag, you're it

it started out as a silly game of tag and now, you're it

why did we play catch with something so fragile - a heart of paper and bones of glass? why did we pretend we could run carefree through fields of shattered dreams and empty promises?

the candle is burning too low now; it's time to blow it out. even as the last wisps of smoke disappear, i close my eyes and see the flame that burned so brightly, wishing it was real and wishing it wasn't

where are you from?

where are you from? were the first words i said to you. And you replied, but your answer was wrong

you're from a lonely planet, in a galaxy far away - where beating hearts freeze over with hate and fear // where tears burn like acid down your face // where hungry hands learn to be content grasping air

---

so why'd you lie? were you afraid? maybe you were hiding something from me, from the world

come, let me hold you in the palm of my hand // let me look into your liquid eyes and drink every drop of your sorrow // let me draw you close and keep you warm by the fire burning in my chest

i'll ask you again, "where are you from?"

and this time, i'll add "would you stay?"

how to: make your dreams come true

do you have a bucket list? is there even a point in having a bucket list?

i've always thought bucket lists were kind of pointless; they felt too whimsical and wishy-washy. instead, i chose to focus on creating practical and systematic to-do lists, lists you could plow through in just a couple days. year after year, i would look over my to-do list and feel accomplished... yet somehow unfulfilled. i was happy but the happiness only lasted until i turned the page and scribbled "to-do (cont)" across the top yet again

then i turned twenty-one and graduated from university

finally, i was ready to become an adult

finally, i was ready to join the workforce

finally, i was ready to move on to bigger, better lists

but, staring at the blank canvas before me, something inside me shifted

i couldn't write anything on my to-do list, i didn't know where to start

my to-do lists were simple and targeted - the perfect short term plan. but when faced with a world full of choices, i was at lost. i yearned for the comfort of quick, achievable goals but i knew i was limiting myself. i've spent twenty-one years of my life deciding what i should and shouldn't be good at, what i could and couldn't enjoy. at the end of it all, i knew what i could do, but i didn't know what i wanted to do, what i would rather do with my life

and so, i decided i needed to swap out my to-do list for a bucket list, a list that scared me just as much as it excited me. here's how i plan to make these dreams come true

number 1. talk about it

have many, many conversations with different people about your dreams. i find that these intentional conversations help clear my mind and open my eyes. talk about yourself, share your dreams, discuss your ideal life with the people around you and you just might be amazed by the feedback you get. some will wholeheartedly support every whimsical fancy you mention; good, try and adopt that wide-eyed wonder and excitement. others might be more straightforward, highlighting the flaws and issues they perceive; great, note them down and see if you're willing to and how you can overcome them. dreams aren't concrete, they change and some don't even stay on the list. and that's okay, it makes your dream is uniquely yours

talking about your dreams also just might help keep you accountable. last month, you casually mentioned you wanted to begin recording your own music to a friend. when you meet up again, she asks about it and you say you've been putting it off or that you're starting to dislike the music you make. she laughs and tells you to stop being ridiculous. she reminds you of the songs you've been wanting to cover, the instruments you thought of using, the genres you want to explore. and you are once again inspired to run after that dream. so talk about your dreams, every random detail, no matter how silly it may sound. get people around you excited so that they can, in turn, motivate you. remember though, at the end of the day, your dream is yours. you decide how hard you're going to work for it and how far you're willing to go. but it definitely won't hurt to talk about it and create a support system of genuinely interested people in the meantime :)

number 2. invest in it

invest your time: research about it // read up on the industry // dive into the nitty-gritty // decide the best way to start // need equipment? source for them, compare prices, go to the store, test them out // find out the style or approach that works best for you // configure your set up // look for role models // draw out what your schedule would look like if you commit to this // create a vision board, something that will help visualize what you have in mind // look for inspiration around you

invest your money (if applicable): budget for it // see how this endeavor might affect you financially // make calculated and careful purchases, get only what you need // consider borrowing or secondhand options // start a savings plan and stick to it

invest yourself: seek out like-minded individuals // practice your skill, keep improving // actively think about how you can make this work // learn the lingo // get comments or feedback from people within the industry // familiarize yourself with the software or hardware // find your niche // allow yourself to be excited

be as prepared as you can but don't stress out to much about it. understand that this journey is just as important as achieving the dream itself. this process will shape your perspective and give you the exposure you need to get started. if halfway through this stage, you really don't see this working out, that's fine. take a breather and congratulate yourself. at least you tried!

number 3. go and do it

it's as straightforward as it sounds. you'll never be 100% ready or prepared, so take that leap as soon as you can. don't overthink or get consumed with making it "perfect." suck it up and do it. keep your support system (if you have one) updated and take note of how you feel. do you feel excited? anxious? regret? internalize these feelings and assess them. if possible, wait it out, it might get better, maybe you're just not used to it... if it really doesn't sit right, that's ok. you're allowed to move on. at least you tried!

before you know it, you've already begun taking steps toward your dreams and are closer than ever to striking it off your bucket list. we're all always inspired to write down our wildest dreams and craziest goals, but more often than not, these dreams are left on paper and never come to life

so take charge and ask yourself,

and the rest is history

going solo: should i solo travel? || pt. i

for years and years, i've toyed with the idea of going away, far away. alone. that would be the dream: living with myself, not having to care about anything or anyone else. but, years later, this dream is still a dream...

i've never traveled alone before, except for that one time i spent a couple months in australia for an exchange trip, and oh my word, those few months were the best months of my life. i was almost shocked by the amount freedom and control i had over every little decision. i was my problem and i was my solution. i made the rules and i broke the rules. i decided what to eat, when i went out, who i spoke to, and how i wanted to spend my time. i was, for the first time, living independently and i loved it

now, a year later, i am craving that freedom once more. and this time, i want to be completely and utterly independent (i.e. to be financially self-sufficient). to some people, this might be a very common thing: to strike out on your own upon entering university or right after completing tertiary education. but where i live, things are pretty different and that's not the norm. the idea of leaving everything familiar behind is terrifying, but at the same time, it's so enticingly exhilarating and i find myself thinking

if not now, then when?

but before i can take off, i needed to do some serious thinking... not researching, more like soul-searching. these are just a few things i thought i needed to completely understand before i can even start planning anything:

number 1. what's the point?

i need to have a clear motive for this trip: something i want to learn or a list of specific experiences to tick off my bucket list. am i trying to make a statement? am i going to clear my mind or is this a pursuit of creativity? i need a goal, something to keep me focused, motivated, and grounded. this isn't a holiday or a business trip; it's going to be my lifestyle for as long as i'm away

number 2. my desired experience

of course, i have an ideal experience in my head. now, time to translate it on paper by creating a list of key characteristics my ideal experience/destination should have:

how different do i want this experience to be from my life right now? am i looking for an urban or a suburban experience? what kind of jobs do i plan on working while i am there? how do i plan on getting around the area? when am i going? for how long? how far away do i want to be from home? how much am i willing to budget for this?

during this time, watching travel vlogs is very helpful. they gave me a rough idea of the different experiences i can have as well as a sampling of some possible destinations. krist yu is one of my favourite youtubers and her travel videos are super interesting and informative (not to mention v. aesthetic too)

number 3. it's okay to mess up

if you ask me, this is the whole point of this experience. i can make a wrong decision and no one else has to suffer from my mistake. most importantly, it's okay to call this off and come home. after all, i've given it my best shot and if it isn't right for me, it isn't. at least i tried!

so, should i solo travel...? my answer is yes

hello, my name is...

"hello, my name is natasha. i'm a twenty-one-year-old fresh graduate with a general bachelor's degree and no idea what's next"

it's been a few weeks since my birthday and it's finally hit me -- the fact that i'm twenty-one, no longer twenty or turning twenty-one. instead of feeing pumped, optimistic, and on top of the world like i thought i would, i'm struck by a sense of loss. i've let all those years slip by me and what do i have to show for it? am i wiser? more mature? have i found my direction in life? what is my calling? what are my true passions?

but as i look back, i realised... maybe that's why i've had such a fulfilling childhood. i didn't care, i didn't want to care. my mother would bug me about university courses and entrance exams, my father would constantly "wonder" what my future plans were, everyone would ask what i wanted to do when i grew up...

each time, i would laugh and confidently reply, "i don't know!"

i had all the time in the world, i thought; my years seemed to stretch endlessly before of me. i did want i wanted and when i was done, i'd simply walk away. life was all about how i felt, more specifically, how i felt now. playing the piano was fun until it wasn't. ballet was great until i got bored. writing and drawing became just ways to pass my time. i did so many things so aimlessly. that's how i feel looking back now but maybe, i was simply living life, exploring what it had to offer, and learning what i could do

but time waits for no man... i need to realise that that was a privilege, a package that came with being a child. i'm grown up now, there are duties, roles, responsibilities, and expectations to fulfill. no point whining about the could have's and should have's. am i terrified, stressed, and overwhelmed? yes, but that's okay. it's all part of growing up

and i haven't strolled through twenty-one years of life with nothing to show for it. i've built bulletproof relationships with each of my family members. i've met amazing people who still, to this very day, inspire me to keep on keeping on, who continuously remind me that i'm enough, and who will always have my back. i've explored a little corner of the world that was my childhood and now it's time to take that leap of faith, spread my wings, and fly. i think i know what i want in life, and that's good enough...

i understand this may not be an issue everyone struggles with but these are my honest thoughts on crossing the final hurdle into adulthood. i guess this is also a first-world problem of sorts. i've got an amazing support system and i'm living comfortably with literally 100% financial stability but the pressure to be in control and successful can get a little bit much sometimes, y'know?

so many thoughts and yet, there is a little spark of hope in me. i will be okay. the world is big but i know who's bigger

just changes or new beginnings?

hey hey

it's been a while since i've been on here... it feels weirdly nostalgic :)

okay so, it's been a time of a lot of revamps and changes lately: growing to love things i used to dislike, moving on from old things, transitioning from full-time school to full-time work, completely decluttering my room, and filling up the wardrobe with clothes that i actually like...

life is great, life is fun, and life is scary

i want to do so many things: i want to perform, i want to write, i want to direct/produce something, i want to learn new skills, i want to figure out what i am truly good at, i want to find my calling, but these things just mash together in my head and fizzes out

at the end of the day, i'm left behind by my own thoughts, feeling a strange sense of urgency building up in my chest... is it too late? did i miss my big break? but am i ready? is this even what i want?

i guess the question is: do i want it or do i just want to want it? like are these things just little accomplishments that will add to the whole that is my life or am i going to give it my 100% and make something out of it? must i decided?

that wasn't a very good summing up of things but it'll have to do

for now...