twenty-two and not a clue

it's been a year... a lot has changed, i have changed... so here's a little "commemorative" piece

as of april 2020, i would have spent a whole year as a working adult. i've officially become one of "them." it's almost as if this was the exact moment i stopped growing up. i've grown up; i'm a grown up now. as cliché as it sounds, the reality of being a grown up wasn't quite what i expected... because, during this past year, i realised a few things:

number 1. i never knew anything

when i first started out, i obviously didn't know a lot but i certainly felt like i knew enough about the industry, about how to behave, and what to expect. however, i spent the majority of my first year in the working world relearning some of the most basic things like reading, writing, and thinking

i thought i always had to be ready with solutions but instead, they asked me to come with questions

i thought everyday would present new opportunities for me to learn new things but instead, i was stuck in a loop of fixing the same problems over and over again

i thought there was a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things but instead, i discovered it didn't matter because people were only interested in what worked

none of the above are wrong or bad, but because it wasn't what i expected, i struggled to find my place, to be productive, and to contribute... until i realised i was in my own way

maybe being a grown up is choosing to set aside these expectations and to focus on taking things as they come

number 2. i (probably) won't know everything

a year ago, i embarked on my journey into the world of "social media marketing." since then, i've worked with two different companies, handled multiple clients across various industries, wrote briefs, pitched pitches, and spent countless hours working overtime. so technically, yes, i know much more now than i did when i first started out

but at the end of every working day, i found myself wondering, what the hell just happened? it's gone in a blur and i barely had the time to register what was going on. that scared me because i thought i could always be on top of things, that i would have most things figured out by now

it was foolish to think that i could know it all in a year... and now i'm wondering if it's equally silly to think that one day, i would know it all

maybe being a grown up is knowing that there will be things i'll never know and being okay with it

number 3. i know enough

ever since i was a child, i've yearned to hear these words:

you're talented

you're bright

you're brilliant

but, for twenty-two years of my life, i've never heard them. instead, people told me:

you're capable

you're sensible

you're hard-working

i wanted so badly to be special, to be the brains behind great ideas and impressive projects. but a year in the working world proved that this wasn't the case for me. and i've learned to be okay with it. for what i lacked in innate creativity, i will make up for in diligence and perseverance. if i have to work twice as hard for thrice as long to get there, then so be it. i've chosen to be in this industry; i'm willing to work because i'm here to learn. slowly but surely, i will get there (wherever i'm meant to be)

maybe being a grown up takes a whole lot more of a conscious effort than you ever thought it would

so yes, i'm twenty-two and have no clue what i'm doing. but that's ok. i'll be fine, just as long as i spend everyday trying to figure it out

How to Tell if Your Crush Likes You

First published in The Homeschool Gazette on 14 Jan 2020

You feel that familiar flutter in your stomach as your heart begins to thump loudly and a strange heat spreads across your face. Immediately, you wrack your brains, trying to recall the advice you've frantically Googled a thousand times before. Should I say hi? How do I say hi? Wait, which side is my good side again??

Okay, not everyone may have this experience but, allow me to take this generalization - you know when you have a crush, when you've found your "heart's desire," your "kindred spirit," your "soulmate," whatever... but the real question is - how do you know if s/he likes you?

When you have a crush, one of the most common things to do (and everyone with decent internet access has done, don't lie) is Google "how to know if your crush likes you back." There are tons and tons of advice and articles online sharing the little tips and tricks on how to recognize attraction when you see it. They highlight the little behavioural quirks to take note of and attempt to break down the science of human attraction in less than 500 words:

1. They send you texts with cute emojis - Ooooo, s/he sent a blushing smiley emoji instead of the regular smiley! S/he must like me!

2. They reply your messages quickly -It's been 20 mins since my last text, s/he hates me...

3. They interact with you often on social media - S/he's shared three memes with me today! I must be so special!

4. Blah

5. BLAH

6. B L A H

You put yourself through so much, scrutinizing their every move and trying to peer into their heads (like a huge creep). Well, you can stop it now, because I have the answer.


How to tell if your crush likes you back?

If they like you, you'll know; if they don't, you'll be confused.


That's it - it's that simple. Stop wasting time stressing, wondering, pouring over texts messages, an drowning yourself n "mixed signals." When I first came across this piece of advice (from the internet, lol finally something good from there), I was honestly a little mind blown at how straightforward it is. No need to mope and sigh, no need to crack my head. That's just the truth of the matter.

Now, you might try to tell yourself, "they're busy" or "they're shy" or "they're intimated." At this point, you're just making excuses for them. Nope, if you're upfront and honest with who you are and they don't seem to be taking any special interest in you then... chances are, they're not that into you.

So, MOVE ON!

Take the time and effort that you would have spent on them to do something else - work on yourself, start a new hobby, hang out with people who you know for sure like you for you. And yes, I get it's not easy to just "up and leave" and yes, it may string a little like rejection. But hey, it makes so much more sense to focus on yourself in this season if your life than to pick the hypothetical petals of your hypothetical flower, wondering if your hypothetical girl/boyfriend "loves you or loves you not."

the collection: pt. i

tag, you're it

it started out as a silly game of tag and now, you're it

why did we play catch with something so fragile - a heart of paper and bones of glass? why did we pretend we could run carefree through fields of shattered dreams and empty promises?

the candle is burning too low now; it's time to blow it out. even as the last wisps of smoke disappear, i close my eyes and see the flame that burned so brightly, wishing it was real and wishing it wasn't

where are you from?

where are you from? were the first words i said to you. And you replied, but your answer was wrong

you're from a lonely planet, in a galaxy far away - where beating hearts freeze over with hate and fear // where tears burn like acid down your face // where hungry hands learn to be content grasping air

---

so why'd you lie? were you afraid? maybe you were hiding something from me, from the world

come, let me hold you in the palm of my hand // let me look into your liquid eyes and drink every drop of your sorrow // let me draw you close and keep you warm by the fire burning in my chest

i'll ask you again, "where are you from?"

and this time, i'll add "would you stay?"

book recommendations: pt. ii

i haven't had much time to read recently which is a major bummer, but that's okay! in the meantime, let's go through some more of my top book picks of all time

if you're looking for a quick (and i mean quick) read, try the dog who dared to dream. it took me a couple of days to finish the book but i'm sure it's possible to go though it within a day! originally written in korean by sun-mi hwang, the book strikes an interesting balance between adult and children's fiction. honestly, i was pretty reluctant to begin reading. i mean, it's an animal story - it's either going to be extremely kiddish or painfully saccharine like some kind of parable of modern, human life. but i was wrong. instead, sun-mi told a simple yet beautiful story of life. even though the sentence structures and word choices were a little on the simpler side (this could possibly be because of the translation), the themes in this story were pretty deep, covering topics like betrayal and sacrifice

all in all, a lovely, well-paced novel about the trials and joys of life from a unique perspective. i give it a 3/5


if you're looking for something more mentally and emotionally engaging, try everything i never told you. i've read this book twice and both times, author celeste ng completely blew my mind. there were so many things i loved about this thrilling masterpiece: the plot, the character development, the structure, the writing style, the list goes on and on! the story begins just like any other psychological thriller: a child suddenly goes missing in a quiet town, and the lee family is in the middle of it all. with every page, you'll discover the painful intricacies of racial fissures, the crushing impact of an identity crisis, and the haunting weight of family secrets

apparently, ng took about 6 years to complete this book and i must say, all her hard work has paid off! a resounding 5/5 from me :)


if you are looking for a feel-good novel, i suggest you read the rosie project by graeme simsion. simply put, don is on a hunt for a wife, an endeavor also known as the wife project. his approach to love is a little different: it's logical, scientific, and involves a specially curated questionnaire?? then along comes rosie, a character who easily flunks don's questionnaire, but she's on a different mission: the father project, a quest to find her biological father. don offers his expertise as a genetics professor and the two embark on a whirlwind of a journey where don ultimately learns that love may not always be what looks good on paper

the rosie project was one of the few books i actually laughed out loud reading. it's warm and casual, a perfect reminder to always see the funny side of human behavior. final verdict: 4/5

so, there you go, some of my favorite reads! do let me know which you've read and which you'd love to read :)

how to: make your dreams come true

do you have a bucket list? is there even a point in having a bucket list?

i've always thought bucket lists were kind of pointless; they felt too whimsical and wishy-washy. instead, i chose to focus on creating practical and systematic to-do lists, lists you could plow through in just a couple days. year after year, i would look over my to-do list and feel accomplished... yet somehow unfulfilled. i was happy but the happiness only lasted until i turned the page and scribbled "to-do (cont)" across the top yet again

then i turned twenty-one and graduated from university

finally, i was ready to become an adult

finally, i was ready to join the workforce

finally, i was ready to move on to bigger, better lists

but, staring at the blank canvas before me, something inside me shifted

i couldn't write anything on my to-do list, i didn't know where to start

my to-do lists were simple and targeted - the perfect short term plan. but when faced with a world full of choices, i was at lost. i yearned for the comfort of quick, achievable goals but i knew i was limiting myself. i've spent twenty-one years of my life deciding what i should and shouldn't be good at, what i could and couldn't enjoy. at the end of it all, i knew what i could do, but i didn't know what i wanted to do, what i would rather do with my life

and so, i decided i needed to swap out my to-do list for a bucket list, a list that scared me just as much as it excited me. here's how i plan to make these dreams come true

number 1. talk about it

have many, many conversations with different people about your dreams. i find that these intentional conversations help clear my mind and open my eyes. talk about yourself, share your dreams, discuss your ideal life with the people around you and you just might be amazed by the feedback you get. some will wholeheartedly support every whimsical fancy you mention; good, try and adopt that wide-eyed wonder and excitement. others might be more straightforward, highlighting the flaws and issues they perceive; great, note them down and see if you're willing to and how you can overcome them. dreams aren't concrete, they change and some don't even stay on the list. and that's okay, it makes your dream is uniquely yours

talking about your dreams also just might help keep you accountable. last month, you casually mentioned you wanted to begin recording your own music to a friend. when you meet up again, she asks about it and you say you've been putting it off or that you're starting to dislike the music you make. she laughs and tells you to stop being ridiculous. she reminds you of the songs you've been wanting to cover, the instruments you thought of using, the genres you want to explore. and you are once again inspired to run after that dream. so talk about your dreams, every random detail, no matter how silly it may sound. get people around you excited so that they can, in turn, motivate you. remember though, at the end of the day, your dream is yours. you decide how hard you're going to work for it and how far you're willing to go. but it definitely won't hurt to talk about it and create a support system of genuinely interested people in the meantime :)

number 2. invest in it

invest your time: research about it // read up on the industry // dive into the nitty-gritty // decide the best way to start // need equipment? source for them, compare prices, go to the store, test them out // find out the style or approach that works best for you // configure your set up // look for role models // draw out what your schedule would look like if you commit to this // create a vision board, something that will help visualize what you have in mind // look for inspiration around you

invest your money (if applicable): budget for it // see how this endeavor might affect you financially // make calculated and careful purchases, get only what you need // consider borrowing or secondhand options // start a savings plan and stick to it

invest yourself: seek out like-minded individuals // practice your skill, keep improving // actively think about how you can make this work // learn the lingo // get comments or feedback from people within the industry // familiarize yourself with the software or hardware // find your niche // allow yourself to be excited

be as prepared as you can but don't stress out to much about it. understand that this journey is just as important as achieving the dream itself. this process will shape your perspective and give you the exposure you need to get started. if halfway through this stage, you really don't see this working out, that's fine. take a breather and congratulate yourself. at least you tried!

number 3. go and do it

it's as straightforward as it sounds. you'll never be 100% ready or prepared, so take that leap as soon as you can. don't overthink or get consumed with making it "perfect." suck it up and do it. keep your support system (if you have one) updated and take note of how you feel. do you feel excited? anxious? regret? internalize these feelings and assess them. if possible, wait it out, it might get better, maybe you're just not used to it... if it really doesn't sit right, that's ok. you're allowed to move on. at least you tried!

before you know it, you've already begun taking steps toward your dreams and are closer than ever to striking it off your bucket list. we're all always inspired to write down our wildest dreams and craziest goals, but more often than not, these dreams are left on paper and never come to life

so take charge and ask yourself,

and the rest is history

going solo: should i solo travel? || pt. i

for years and years, i've toyed with the idea of going away, far away. alone. that would be the dream: living with myself, not having to care about anything or anyone else. but, years later, this dream is still a dream...

i've never traveled alone before, except for that one time i spent a couple months in australia for an exchange trip, and oh my word, those few months were the best months of my life. i was almost shocked by the amount freedom and control i had over every little decision. i was my problem and i was my solution. i made the rules and i broke the rules. i decided what to eat, when i went out, who i spoke to, and how i wanted to spend my time. i was, for the first time, living independently and i loved it

now, a year later, i am craving that freedom once more. and this time, i want to be completely and utterly independent (i.e. to be financially self-sufficient). to some people, this might be a very common thing: to strike out on your own upon entering university or right after completing tertiary education. but where i live, things are pretty different and that's not the norm. the idea of leaving everything familiar behind is terrifying, but at the same time, it's so enticingly exhilarating and i find myself thinking

if not now, then when?

but before i can take off, i needed to do some serious thinking... not researching, more like soul-searching. these are just a few things i thought i needed to completely understand before i can even start planning anything:

number 1. what's the point?

i need to have a clear motive for this trip: something i want to learn or a list of specific experiences to tick off my bucket list. am i trying to make a statement? am i going to clear my mind or is this a pursuit of creativity? i need a goal, something to keep me focused, motivated, and grounded. this isn't a holiday or a business trip; it's going to be my lifestyle for as long as i'm away

number 2. my desired experience

of course, i have an ideal experience in my head. now, time to translate it on paper by creating a list of key characteristics my ideal experience/destination should have:

how different do i want this experience to be from my life right now? am i looking for an urban or a suburban experience? what kind of jobs do i plan on working while i am there? how do i plan on getting around the area? when am i going? for how long? how far away do i want to be from home? how much am i willing to budget for this?

during this time, watching travel vlogs is very helpful. they gave me a rough idea of the different experiences i can have as well as a sampling of some possible destinations. krist yu is one of my favourite youtubers and her travel videos are super interesting and informative (not to mention v. aesthetic too)

number 3. it's okay to mess up

if you ask me, this is the whole point of this experience. i can make a wrong decision and no one else has to suffer from my mistake. most importantly, it's okay to call this off and come home. after all, i've given it my best shot and if it isn't right for me, it isn't. at least i tried!

so, should i solo travel...? my answer is yes

hello, my name is...

"hello, my name is natasha. i'm a twenty-one-year-old fresh graduate with a general bachelor's degree and no idea what's next"

it's been a few weeks since my birthday and it's finally hit me -- the fact that i'm twenty-one, no longer twenty or turning twenty-one. instead of feeing pumped, optimistic, and on top of the world like i thought i would, i'm struck by a sense of loss. i've let all those years slip by me and what do i have to show for it? am i wiser? more mature? have i found my direction in life? what is my calling? what are my true passions?

but as i look back, i realised... maybe that's why i've had such a fulfilling childhood. i didn't care, i didn't want to care. my mother would bug me about university courses and entrance exams, my father would constantly "wonder" what my future plans were, everyone would ask what i wanted to do when i grew up...

each time, i would laugh and confidently reply, "i don't know!"

i had all the time in the world, i thought; my years seemed to stretch endlessly before of me. i did want i wanted and when i was done, i'd simply walk away. life was all about how i felt, more specifically, how i felt now. playing the piano was fun until it wasn't. ballet was great until i got bored. writing and drawing became just ways to pass my time. i did so many things so aimlessly. that's how i feel looking back now but maybe, i was simply living life, exploring what it had to offer, and learning what i could do

but time waits for no man... i need to realise that that was a privilege, a package that came with being a child. i'm grown up now, there are duties, roles, responsibilities, and expectations to fulfill. no point whining about the could have's and should have's. am i terrified, stressed, and overwhelmed? yes, but that's okay. it's all part of growing up

and i haven't strolled through twenty-one years of life with nothing to show for it. i've built bulletproof relationships with each of my family members. i've met amazing people who still, to this very day, inspire me to keep on keeping on, who continuously remind me that i'm enough, and who will always have my back. i've explored a little corner of the world that was my childhood and now it's time to take that leap of faith, spread my wings, and fly. i think i know what i want in life, and that's good enough...

i understand this may not be an issue everyone struggles with but these are my honest thoughts on crossing the final hurdle into adulthood. i guess this is also a first-world problem of sorts. i've got an amazing support system and i'm living comfortably with literally 100% financial stability but the pressure to be in control and successful can get a little bit much sometimes, y'know?

so many thoughts and yet, there is a little spark of hope in me. i will be okay. the world is big but i know who's bigger

book recommendations: pt. i

books have always been a constant in my life, but i've never really actively fuelled this interest until recently. i guess life just got in the way... anyways, here are some of my all-time favorite books so grab a cup of tea/coffee and let's get into it!

if you're looking for an easy-breezy read, try where'd you go, bernadette? it's a comedy novel written by maria semple about an agoraphobic architect and mother named bernadette. bernadette is an extremely interesting character and i loved how the author creatively brought out all her little quirks. here's the context to the whole story: before a family trip to antarctica, bernadette suddenly goes missing and her daughter, fifteen-year-old bee, attempts to track her mother down by sorting through and chronologically arranging all the documents, emails, and other notes her mother has left behind

it's a lighthearted and engaging story about a mother-daughter bond that i couldn't put down. i rate this a 3.5/5


if you are looking for something interesting and maybe a little more serious, pick up eleanor oliphant is completely fine by gail honeyman. this book is fun and very relatable. i mean, very, very relatable. the main character, eleanor, is kind of an oddball who loves to mind her own business - she's awkward around people and struggles with putting her thoughts into words. her (mis)adventures told through her unique perspective makes for a hilarious read. but there is a deeper side to this whole story too. the author explores loneliness and kindness in a very heartfelt way and shows the readers that everyone is fighting their own battles...

to all those out there who think that "getting by fine" is all there is to life, give this book a try! i rate this a solid 4/5


if you're looking for some sisterly advice, give so much i want to tell you a go. written by youtuber/actress anna akana (one of my biggest inspirations, tbh), it's a witty and honest book full of relevant, useable advice on literally everything. i feel a lot of self-help books are very similar but anna's is different. her experience and warmth shine through her words and never cease to inspire and empower. by the end of the book, you'd feel like getting off your lazy bum and start hustling just like anna did

all in all, if you feel a little stagnant in life and want a shove, read this. heck, even if you feel you're doing alright now, read this; it'll give you a fresh, new perspective and motivation. an easy 4/5


if you are looking for something deeper, try we never asked for wings by vanessa diffenbaugh. it took me some time to get into the book, but when i did, it was pretty intense. this story tackles a myriad of issues: motherhood, young love, and, most interestingly, undocumented immigration. the main thing that stood out to me was how different and difficult life was for undocumented people, especially families. honestly, it is something that has never weighed heavy on my privileged, ignorant mind... the real pains and fears of a family trying to "live under the radar" woven into a capturing narrative made this a rather impactful read.

this book really opened my eyes to the struggles of undocumented immigrants... excellent themes and a decent storyline, i rate it a 3/5


hope you enjoy these reads as much as i did :)

review: adidas originals p.o.d. system 3.1

if you know me, you'd know that i am a shoe person. ever since forever, shoes have always appealed to me, much more than clothes or food or anything else. i've been steadily working on my collection for years now and my latest additions are the new adidas p.o.d. system 3.1

i didn't actually plan of getting them. in fact, i've been wanting a pair of adidas nmd r1's for the longest time but i couldn't find the shoe in the color variation that i wanted: peach pink

i searched everywhere, online and off, but i couldn't find a single place that sold them... i was a little discouraged, i have to admit. then adidas released the p.o.d. system 3.1. the moment i saw them, i knew i needed to get them. so i did

i recently found out that p.o.d. stands for point of deflection. basically its the design that allows the front and back of the shoe to move independently, giving the wearer a unique and more comfortable fit. in other words, the shoe is made up of three parts: the forefoot, the midfoot, and the heel

the stiffer eva rubber forefoot gives the the shoe some structure

the midfoot plate is made of tpu. its decently flexible and offers excellent support without being too stiff

the boost heel provides lots of cushioning and proves to be comfortable for longer periods of wear

while these p.o.d.'s are my new favorites, there are a couple things i didn't love about them. the laces that came with the shoes were not plain black which i prefer, but this is really just personal preference and these laces can be switched up so, no biggie. also, longer socks work better as the seams can be quite abrasive on the front and back parts of your foot

all in all, it's a comfortable shoe that offers great support and is perfect for all-day wear. I absolutely love the silhouette of the shoe. i feel like it perfectly pulls off a streamlined version of chunky-chic. that probably didn't make any sense but it's a great aesthetic and i'm here for it

how to: 21

this post is about how to get ready to be 21. it's not how to glam up for your 21st birthday bash or how to plan your big 21st night out. it's more like how to be your best and beautiful 21-year-old self

21 is a huge milestone age. you're an adult now; it's official. and you can't help but feel it's now or never... but before you dive headfirst into that bucketful of dreams, take some time to process things. i mean, you've only just turned 21, your whole life is ahead of you. what's the rush?

number 1. take some time off

it could be just a weekend hideaway at home or camping out in a cool, hipster-y cafe for an afternoon. anywhere you can chill and be alone with your thoughts. grab a journal and a pen, throw on something comfy, and let yourself drift. don't think, drift. just revel in the idea of being 21, acknowledge the responsibilities but see the opportunities, the stars and how much closer they are now. then turn around and see how far you've come. be proud, you did amazing

number 2. do something you like

even if it's just one little thing. read a whole book or finish up that sketch or ransack your pantry and make something sweet. stay away from screens because they seem to have this power that makes time pass wayy too quickly for you to enjoy yourself... try to finish the task. give yourself enough time but don't beat yourself up if you take longer than expected. you're barely 21 and you've got plenty of time to work on that. so, put on your favorite song and enjoy your date with you

number 3. do something you don't know if you like

do something you've never tried before; not something stressful or with long-term implications, just something fun and casual. haven't gone for a full-body massage before? book a session now! not sure about roller coasters? if not now, then when? kick off your 21st year with some sense of adventure and a zest for life


number 4. pamper yourself

you went through 21 years of life, you've experienced ups and the downs, you've clung on to dreams and somehow made them work, and you've choked back brave tears when they didn't. you did all that and learned so much. you deserve a pamper session: a time all about you. do something you are comfortable with, something to give you a confidence boost. it could be a manicure/pedicure or a fine dining experience with your closest friends. enjoy!


number 5. treat yourself

create a lasting memory of this special moment by buying something for yourself; something you've always wanted, something you finally dare to get. it's a birthday gift from you to you. it could be that perfume, pair of shoes, or makeup palette that you've been dying to try. every time you use that product, smile and remember how far you've come


number 6. life plan

i'm not talking about long term decisions like college, marriage, or owning a cat, but what you can do to make this coming year your best year yet. think of all the little ways you want your 21st year to be different. do you want to be a to be fitter? would you like to be able to play another instrument or speak another language? what skill do you want to master this year? focus on what you can do for you, what future you would thank younger you for. you are the best thing you can invest in. take it slow: month by month, week by week, even day by day. before you know it, it's become part of the new you

just little disclaimer: this is written much like a letter to my younger self so it might not resonate with everyone but i hope you enjoyed it nonetheless

review: death of a bachelor

it's ridiculous how much i currently like this song...

but i do

the music style is amazing... it's a mish-mash of every random thing: it's slightly jazzy (instrumentals in the verse), a little pop-y (chorus), somewhat techno-ish (interlude) and a touch R&B (the bass line has me swooning)? i'm not a professional song analyser-deconstructor person, neither do i claim to be a diehard P!ATD fan but yeah

the lyrics, i'm not so much a huge fan of. it's got a couple metaphorical lines (which is always fun) like: "death of a bachelor," "watching the sky fall," and my favorite, "the lace in your dress tangles my neck" but he transitions between pov's and jumps around on the timeline. meaning, the song isn't chronologically arranged... i pay quite a bit of attention to song lyrics so if it's jumbled, i tend to get distracted. it could be just me because i don't follow the singer and i'm not aware of his life happenings during song composition but i don't know. examples:

he's fast approaching married life and suddenly he's "alone at a table for two..." my best guess is that he's reminiscing the older times when he would go on date with other girls?

also, for most of the song, he seems to be singing to his wife ("the lace in your dress") then out of nowhere, he's asking someone to "smile even though you're sad..." I believe he's addressing his old bachelor self who's sad because he's leaving the life of singleness behind which is kind of a super interesting emotion to describe, tbh

but he used the phrase "playing hooky" so i'll give him a plus point for that :)

i must say though, the tempo is perfect. it fits the mood of the song amazingly and is awesome for slow, soulful waltzes around the room or just grooving to by yourself in the car

the vibes are my favourite part of the whole thing. the rewind-y sound in the intro gives me an "old-school" feel for some reason while the techno interlude part does great at hyping up the song. throw in the Sinatra-esque vocals and bam - death of a bachelor

the lyrics:

do i look lonely?
i see the shadows on my face
people have told me i don't look the same
maybe i lost weight
i'm playing hooky
with the best of the best
put my heart on my chest (pull my heart out my chest) i can't figure out which it is
so that you can see it, too

i'm walking the long road
watching the sky fall
the lace in your dress tangles my neck
how do i live?

the death of a bachelor
oh oh oh
letting the water fall
the death of a bachelor
oh oh oh
seems so fitting for
happily ever after, woo
how could i ask for more?
a lifetime of laughter
at the expense of the death of a bachelor

i'm cutting my mind off
feels like my heart is going to burst
alone at a table for two and i just wanna be served
and when you think of me
am i the best you've ever had?
share one more drink with me
smile even though you're sad

i'm walking the long road
watching the sky fall
the lace in your dress tangles my neck
how do i live?

the death of a bachelor
oh oh oh
letting the water fall
the death of a bachelor
oh oh oh
seems so fitting for
happily ever after, woo
how could i ask for more?
a lifetime of laughter
at the expense of the death of a bachelor

here's the music video which is just brendon hanging out in an empty ballroom
and here's dodie's amazing jazzy cover because duh

thanks for reading!

just changes or new beginnings?

hey hey

it's been a while since i've been on here... it feels weirdly nostalgic :)

okay so, it's been a time of a lot of revamps and changes lately: growing to love things i used to dislike, moving on from old things, transitioning from full-time school to full-time work, completely decluttering my room, and filling up the wardrobe with clothes that i actually like...

life is great, life is fun, and life is scary

i want to do so many things: i want to perform, i want to write, i want to direct/produce something, i want to learn new skills, i want to figure out what i am truly good at, i want to find my calling, but these things just mash together in my head and fizzes out

at the end of the day, i'm left behind by my own thoughts, feeling a strange sense of urgency building up in my chest... is it too late? did i miss my big break? but am i ready? is this even what i want?

i guess the question is: do i want it or do i just want to want it? like are these things just little accomplishments that will add to the whole that is my life or am i going to give it my 100% and make something out of it? must i decided?

that wasn't a very good summing up of things but it'll have to do

for now...